The Oprah BookClub

Every writer has his or her own dreams of success. For some, it's the NY Times list, for some, it's the six figure advance, for some, it's simply being published. I think, for me, it's getting to be an Oprah pick, which is so sad because I don't have a chance in hell.

I watched her biography yesterday and realized what a fabulous woman she is, and how in a culture of cheap smarminess, she is the genuine article, but I'd love to sit down and chat with her about her choice in books... How naive she is in her story choices.

The big question? Who says that someone must always die? You know, Shakespeare wrote some really good stuff, and people didn't have to die all the time. I admit, he's more famous for the tragic stuff, but still...

Charles Dickens, there's another one. He was having a rip-roaring good time, and some critic said to him, "Well, nobody dies," and Charles thought about this and wrote A Tale of Two Cities. And now it's quoted everywhere, "Tis a far, far better story I wrote when I had this guy die." Very cleverly, he slid right past the death rule when he wrote A Christmas Carol, which only has a dream-death, which isn't the same as a true, throw yourself on the cross death (i.e. The Passion of Christ, which illustrates my point beautifully)

I could name a gazillion authors who will refuse to write a story unless it contains death. Stephen King, James Patterson, Barbara Kingsolver. Anybody can write a great story if they put death in it, but I'm throwing down the gauntlet here. Write a great story WITHOUT death and let's see how far talent alone gets you....

Pathos here, pathos there, pathos is lining the shelves of bookstores and libraries everywhere. Well, I'm here to say STOP THE DEATH! Talk to your local librarian, say, "Excuse me, do you have any books where nobody dies?" Write to your favor authors and say, "I'm feeling a little off-death now. Can you write something a bit cheerier? Something where somebody can actually complete a character arc without bloodshed of either a) a brother, sister, child, father, mother b) favored teacher c) friend who nobody EVER suspected was suicidal."

How much happier would the world be with a cheerful Oprah pick? Think of the good we could do. Next time you see a book that involves the death of a main character, or revolves around someone putting his/her/it’s life together after the death of a child/mother/owner, challenge yourself to walk by it. Hold your head high. It's time we said no to death in literature. Before there are no live characters left in literature at all.

Kathleen, the Research Diva

I've been working on writing my 2005 (at least I THINK it's 2005, I still don't know that for a fact, but that's not a whine you're interested in) book and have been having a good time with it. So far, in the name of research I have:

1) received a facial at Elizabeth Arden
2) eaten at Le Cirque
3) had hair cut at Frederic Fekkai
And it's a tax write-off, too. God, I love this city.

While out working today (Starbucks is a great place to write. Hey, if a coffee-shop worked for JK Rowling, it can work for me, too), I stopped at Target and noticed my book is ACTUALLY on the shelf. Was going to sign the ones on the shelf, but then realized that I forgot to bring "autographed copy" stickers with me (told you I was klutz at this promo stuff). Next time, I'll do that, and hopefully store security will not apprehend me for defacing the merchandise.

Nerves

There is a time in almost every writer's life when the nerves begin to take over the life. When a normally calm human being turns in a withering obsessive-compulsive. This time is called The Book Is On The Shelves. When you enter a bookstore, you assume the guise of a stalker. You hang out in the requisite section, usually with a decoy book in your hand, pretending to read, all the while watching the customers as they browse through the shelves. Your breath comes faster when they approach your letter of the alphabet.

Will they? Will they? Will they?
And No.

Some authors who are good with promotion (unlike moi) will take this opportunity to introduce themselves and say, "Oh, are you looking for something to read?" And then casually work into the conversation that they are a published author and 'oh, isn't this cool? My book is here'. Sadly, that is not me. And then there is the coded conversation with the store clerk.

Me: "I'm looking for a book by Kathleen O'Reilly."
Clerk: "I don't know."
Me: "Can you look it up?"
Clerk (with nasty 'don't bother me, kid' glance): "Sure."
Clerk: "Here it is. No, we don't have it in. Can I order it for you?"
Me (with heart in shoes, and too embarrassed to actually confess who I am): "No."

Other nerve-wracking moments -- the Review is in.
Now, authors and reviewers are like oil and water. You need both of them for a decent salad dressing, but they aren't designed to coexist without shaking things up. To be completely honest, reviews don't bother me too much. But there is always the renegade REVIEWER WHO DOESN'T GET IT.

You read the review and say, "Uh, excuse me? I don't think you read the entire book. THERE, on page 27! See that fourth sentence! It clearly illustrates the heroine longing desire for silk gloves."
Disclaimer: This is a fictional example designed to protect innocent reviewers and authors everywhere.

The cardinal rule for authors is to never answer a review, which would only dig your grave even deeper than it already is. However, this is like telling my nine-year-old daughter not to whine. It is not natural. So, I scream at my computer screen, write emails that will never see the light of day, and in general curse the very people who are kind enough to actually take the time and read it.

Lastly, we have the conversation with family members and friends, not trying to be too obnoxious, but wanting to let them know, that yes, the book is out, and now is the time to buy it:

Me: "How's it going?"
Mom: "Good, and you?"
Me: "Busy, busy, busy. Got a booksigning next week."
Mom: "Oh, do you have a book out now?"
Me (YAY, she picked up on the hint, but I keep my voice blasé): "Yeah, you can find it at Target and stuff, but you know those Harlequin's, they'll disappear faster than Janet Jackson's, uh, never mind, Mom."
Mom: "So tell me where I can find it. I just keep forgetting that."
Me: "Do you want copies? I mean, I can send copies. You don't have to actually buy it." which translates to, "I'm only your daughter, but don't let that mean anything here."
Mom: "No, no, I want to. Of course, that means I have to get out to the store. Which store carries it?"
Me: "Go to Waldenbooks. Barnes and Noble is iffy with the Harlequins. Although they're getting better."
Mom: "I'll look. So what else is going on?"
Translation: "Can we talk about something else now?"

People say authors are neurotic and eccentric, but this would not be a problem if the book never hit the shelves. If my books never hit the shelves, I would be calm, centered, and have no bitchy moments... Of course, that would mean my books are not good enough to be published. That my writing is not as good as Joan "Who the Hell published her?" Smith. That I cannot construct a simple sentence without making an editor hurl. That my life is over because I am a failure.

But other than that, I'd be OK. Really.

Happily Ever After

Last night I watched Sex and the City (I know, me and 80 gazillion other Americans). I have watched the show on and off again for the last few years, and there's enough information in the papers to keep up with storylines. The characters are truly great characters, each individuals and the writing is some of the best on TV. So, I was curious about how a show that is about women trying to cope with being single and still secretly looking for love would end. This isn't the most popular theme -- a lot of people poke fun at romance novels because they believe "happily ever after" is not reality. And that fiction should be "realistic". Ha! What a piece of...fiction.

In the last episode, all four women had found love AND happiness. And I gotta admit, it was the most satisfying ending, however, did the writers sell out their intial premise? Can a woman truly "come of age" without a man? Do we measure our accomplishments in terms of the sexual/maternal only? Perhaps that explains the current trend of a "kick-butt" heroine: Buffy, Xina, Anita Blake, the girl from Alias (sorry, don't watch the show). Perhaps we women are finding a new way to "come of age."

The truth is that there's a lot of women out there who will go through life without a man. Some by choice, and some by fate. Are these women damned to miss out on their own "satisfying ending"? Surely "happily ever after" is what we make it, not what cultural mores decree.
Or at least I hope so...

Yes, I am A Writer

Today I had the great pleasure to attend the New Jersey Romance Writer's (NJRW) meeting. For those of you who aren't aware, there is a wonderful organization called Romance Writers of America that is designed to further the business and craft of romance writing. People from all writing genres belong to RWA because it's one of the largest writing organizations in the country. 8000 members strong, and the conference usually attracts a good 1200-1500 writers.

The NJRW group has approximately 200 members and counts many New York Times best-selling authors among its membership. Today's talk was by Michelle Cunnah (author of 32AA) on "What is Chick-lit?" Very entertaining and somewhat educational, although it seemed the final analysis was that chick-lit is evolving and there doesn't seem to be a hard and fast rule to what it encompasses.

The wonderful thing about attending RWA meetings is that when I leave, I feel like a writer. Sometimes when you're alone in front of the computer, sweating over the right word, bleeding red ink all over your pages, and in general having an emotional break-down in the span of 30 minutes before you realize that yes, you do actually know how to get out of the corner you just plotted yourself into, you forget that you love to write. When I go to those meetings, I realize that I love what I do, and realize how fortunate I am to have this opportunity to do what I love to do. It puts a smile on my face for at least 24 hours, or until laundry must be done, whichever comes first.

Anyway, anyone who is interested in writing, I encourage you to check out RWA. They're a good group and you can learn lots.

K

Thursday Miscellanea

There isn't much exciting going on in the world today. Howard Dean left the campaign (yawn!), Martha Stewart's trial is still going on (another yawn!). All in all, the most exciting thing is tonight's episode of the Apprentice, in my honest opinion.

In writing news, I sat down with a bulletin board and did storyboarding (i.e. pinning post-it notes of scenes to the board). It's similar to pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, but much more cerebral.

I did get a chance to see the Broadway musical Wicked yesterday. It was mah-velous! I haven't read the book, but I think I'm going to have to check it out.

And speaking of books, since this is MY blog, I thought I should mention that my newest Harlequin Temptation will be hitting the shelves in about ten days. Since Harlequin books have a shelf life less than some dairy products, if you plan to buy, you should definitely get the timing right, or alternatively, pre-order from Amazon. Here's the link :

Buy my Book!

Kathleen, who doesn't wear the marketing hat easily

The Idea File

People ask, where do you get your ideas? I've heard various funny replies. "Sears Catalog" is one of my favs (I think it's Jenny Crusie's line, but wouldn't swear to it). But there are eight gazillion stories in the big city. For instance:
From Craigslist.org

When I wrote my first Temptation, Just Kiss Me, I was really tired of heroes who were cops, and firefighters, and cowboys. I wanted to challenge myself, so I wrote a hero who was an airline mechanic. I still love Joe, he was great. All because I wanted a non-traditional hero.

Just sitting and reading the paper (I love the Post, sue me!) gives me three or four fun things to think about. For instance, today Alex Rodriguez signed with the Yankees, and the questions were being asked, two best friends, both stars, can they work together? Instant conflict! Great drama.
Anyway, there's so much in the world that can be used for the basis of drama (ripped from the Headlines! Duh-Dhum!), all you need to do is open your eyes....

K

Generations Lost in a P9nXs-EnlVrgEd World

Due to a sudden onslaught of pharmaceutical ads in my inbox (somebody tell me how this is legal?), my technology education has reared it's gear-head and I have begun googling the forums, trolling for information on breaking the true terrorist threat in America. Spam (cue Monty Python music).

So far my best solution has been Outlook 2003. I'm recommending it to all people I meet, even strangers on the street because "automagically" the junk gets routed into the Junk Email folder. There has been a couple of misses, but overall it's running about 98% or better.

Kathleen, killing the Spammers, one V1c0din pill at a time.

Valentines Day, Part Deux

Today I remember why I write romance. We went to Chili's for supper (it was packed, but not obscenely so). There was a young couple, they must have been just hitting twenty. She was decked out in a beautiful velvet coat, with her hair all twisted up in curls, and that glittery make-up dusting her cheeks. He was wearing a suit and a goofy grin. And they brought a little baby with them, tiny, probably no more than three months old. You just couldn't help but smile. Today is all about the happy ending. One day out of the year, when love truly does conquer all.

Give someone a hug and smile and remember why you love them.

K

A little romantic advice

Okay, I’ve done part (63%) of my writing for today, have had my Red Bull, am feeling perkier. Enough depressing stuff, let’s talk V-D. Everyone seems to be giving advice on Valentine’s Day. Do that many people really need advice? Well, it must be so, since every newspaper/radio is doing it, so I’ll add my own “expert� opinion. First question, is this for a man or a woman? Men are easy to get presents for. They like sex. Give them sex and they will be happy. Ask them, what do you want? Beer or sex? They will say ‘sex.’ Ask them if they’d rather have a new truck or sex. They will say ‘sex.’ It’s been that way since the dawn of time, when eve said, “Do you want an apple or sex?� Adam said “sex.�

Finding the perfect present for women, on the other hand, is much more difficult. Chocolate is always good, unless the woman in question is either a) on a serious diet or b) allergic. Actually, chocolate is always good, even if the woman is question is on a serious diet or allergic – damn the consequences, full cacao ahead!

There are lots of other choice presents available, but that depends on how long have you been in a relationship with the givee. Are you out to make a lasting impression or just get laid?

For new relationships, choose something like dinner, flowers, candy, or a massage at someplace cool (not Club Eros, she won’t be amused). Be careful with lingerie, this is a potential mine-field, over which few men walk without being blown up.

And what if you’ve been married for some time and still want to rekindle the romance? If you want to do something that will make her remember you lovingly for many years to come, let her sleep late (this is a real winner when there’s a new baby in the house), do the dishes, or take the kids away and let her have some quality alone time. However, if you decide on these Herculean tasks, do not pepper the experience with interruptive questions: “Honey, what time do I need to pick up the kids? Honey, where’s the diapers? Honey, where is the dishwashing detergent?� If you do this, she will get frustrated, take the sponge/diapers/children away (which is probably what you subliminally are trying to achieve) and say “I’ll do it myself,� which thereby takes all the joy out of receiving such a well-intentioned gift. And you are no schmo, so don’t screw this one up. She will love you, she will remember it, and most of all, she will give you sex.

Happy Valentines Day!

Slip sliding away....

They've cloned the first human embryo. Wow. I read Robin Cook's stuff many years and thought "what fiction!" Nope. Don't get my wrong. I do believe in stem cell research, but I think that somebody, somewhere is currently making millions of dollars by doing the wrong things, and I don't know how anyone can stop it. There's so many ethical issues that are bombarding us today, not just in the US, but in the world. Look at the cost of medical treatment vs. the ability of medicine to sustain/improve our lifespan/quality of life. Eventually, the rich will live longer than the poor, or else we will decrease the quality of our standard of care in a universal system. Nobody mentions this, and I can't believe that I'm the only one that is seeing it.

Speaking of slippery slopes, Congress and the FCC have stepped in to spank the networks, and they're using a big whip. I admit, I was ticked about the whole Super Bowl show, but mainly because I don't like being manipulated. Singer has album out -- she flashes the world, or gets married, or kisses another girl. And it's only the females who are doing this... (although I'm waiting to see a pee-diddy on TV, any day now). Instant press, instant buzz. Eventually the envelope is going to bust. There are few boundaries left to cross, all in the name of money. Sigh.

And THEN, to make matters even worse, Barbie is dumping Ken. She's found a new hunk, an aussie named Hugh, uh, Blaine. I understand that he used to sing in the Back street Boys.... No current events today, must go write.

K

What Comes Around must go around as well....

I took a day off yesterday (have you ever heard of writer's block?), mainly to do mundane slice of life things that you don't want to hear about because it will spoil your image that I sit around all day, contemplating the pure perfection of the male form, thinking up new and unique ways to say "purple-helmet warrior of love." All while eating bon-bons.

Grocery shop? PLEASE. My cabana boy does it for me.

Now then, where were we... Ah, yes, lots of fun going on in the publishing business.

• Paris Hilton's book proposal is up on www.smokinggun.com


• The Nanny's have been blacklisted (or blackballed, depending on your opinion of them)


• And now Armin Meiwes wants to tell his story in both film and book form. Who is Armin you ask? The German Hannibal who was recently cleared of murder charges because his victim agreed to be eaten.

This has nothing to do with publishing, but everything to do with Uncle Walt finally resting in his grave. There are talks, rumors, innuendos that the Mighty Mouse might finally be outting Michael Eisner. All those who saw Treasure Planet, please stand and applaud.

I saw where Ben Cohen (of Ben & Jerry's) is the author of "50 Ways You Can Show George Bush the Door." Now, I can forgive Madonna, Barbara, Ashton, Martin, et al of dabbling in politics because these people are not an intimate part of my life, but am I the only one wondering who is left to make the ice cream? Is Jerry going solo? I mean, do you see Tim Russert out there playing with Chunky Monkey? I don't think so. Ben, Ben, Ben, your gifts are too treasured, too precious to the security and well-being of this country for you to leave the creamery in the hands of amateurs. Valentine's Day is approaching. Millions of women will be needing you as they spend the night alone. One pint, one spoon, and thou. I'm just disappointed that you would dessert us like that....

Monday, Monday...

Today I have nothing to say that isn't boring, so I'm going to skip the usual blathering. Although they were saying on NPR (only a momentary aberration, I swear) that the dollar is declining against the euro (an all-time low) , because of the increasing US defecit. Europeans accuse that dasterdly American government of doing this on purpose. And yes, get this, because then, foreign goods would be more expensive to the "lucrative amerikan markets" and thus get priced out, thereby increasing demand for American goods and causing an increase in American jobs. That George Bush. He's tricky, I say. Tricky....

Kathleen's Current Events

• Wrigley patents anti-impotence gum.
  
• And in other Wrigley news: "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow." Well, yeah, like we didn't already know that.
  
• Total elimenation services . What the heck is this?
  

My FAQ - You Want to Be A Bestselling Author....

Today, we're going to cover a romance writer's FAQ part 1, "I could be a bestseller. I know it!". I've been meaning to write these up anyway...

I have this great idea and I want to write a book and make a million dollars. What do I do?

OK, this one is easy. You must write the book. From Page one, all the way to the end. This will separate the men from the boys. EVERYONE wants to write a book, but very few people have the discipline nor the persistence to actually pull it through to completion. (I've completed 11 books, but my cross-stitch completion ratio is running about 33%. Hats off to you cross-stitchers out there).

I've finished my book. Now what?

First of all, congratulate yourself on completing the hard part. Now you can try and sell it. It's a good idea to have an agent to represent you, although authors sell books without agents all the time. When you're agentless, it takes a lot longer, and you'll probably get less money.

How do I find an agent?

There are several books on agents at the book store. Jeff Herman writes a great one. Buy it, and read it, and make a list of the agents you think would be interested in your manuscript. Generally, agents and editors are divided up by genre (if you don't know this word, look it up, because I'm not going to tell you, because you REALLY need to understand this.) Then write them a query letter.

What is a query letter?

A query letter is a short (1-2 pages) letter that introduces yourself and describes a bit about the book. You will have to hook your audience here, so I would suggest writing a paragraph that boils down the story into 2-3 sentences. Focus on the conflict of the story -- the thing that will keep the reader turning the pages.

What happens if the agent likes my query letter? Will they agree to represent me?

Very rarely. If that does happen, go out and buy a lottery ticket because that is truly your lucky day. First the agent will request either a partial, or a full of the manuscript. A partial is three chapters and a synopsis. A full is the full manuscript.

What is a synopsis?

A synopsis is the summarizing of your story. It can be as short as 4 pages and as long as 30. Agents are busy people so shorter is probably better, but if you can't make a short, don't kill yourself, go with longer.

Okay, the agent called and wants to represent me, but he/she said that my manuscript needs work and I need to pay him/her $100 or more to fix it. Is this normal?

NO. In 90% of the cases, this is a scam. There are many, many unscrupulous agents who want to take advantage of your desire to get published. Agents make their income from selling your book, if they are generating income from other means, in my mind, that says they're not any good at selling books and should find another career.

I can't find an agent. I keep getting these rejections. Should I give up?

This is another turning point for many aspiring writers. Rejection is part of this business. From agents, from publishers, from book reviewers. Not everyone will like your book. You have to decide if you can deal with that and keep trying. If you can stare at those pile of rejections and say, "I think I can," then you start over at the query letter, only this time you send to publishers who edit books in your genre.

I've sent my book to every agent and every publisher and they have all rejected me. Should I give up?

This is the time when you put that manuscript in the drawer and begin a new book. And then the process starts all over again. Best of luck with it. It's hard. Harder than most people realize, and to make a career from writing (i.e. actually earn a living from it) means that you write several books, not just one. However, it's a nice job. You get to hang out at home. It's very portable. Your characters will travel with you wherever you go.

Kathleen's Current Events
Men petition for writes to wear skirts.I say, you go, boys! Give them skirts. Give them pantyhose. Give them one-hour make-up routines. Then men will become just as neurotic and insecure as women. As Martha would say. "It's a good thing."
Singapore needs more sex. Sometimes it's funnier to be quiet and just let the mind wander.
Headline from the Times. "Endorsement from Gore Becomes a Dubious Prize." Like I need the NY Times to tell me this? The dumbing down of America. Sad. Just sad.
Faberge eggs are going home.I like this. I don't know if the collection is still available for viewing before they're shipped back to Russia, but if they are, you should go see them. I have. This is MY kind of art.

KO

E.D.

I read my horoscope today and it said I should do something to shock the world. So, in the interest of seeing if abiding by my horoscope actually amounts to a hill of beans in this crazy world, I'm going to try it. Today I'm going to talk about erectile dysfunction.

Actually, I'm going to talk about the erectile dysfunction ads that were airing during the Super Bowl. After the unfortunate "wardrobe malfunction" (don't you love what quote marks can do a sentence?), men shrugged their shoulders at Janet's boobage and complained about the ED ads instead. You heard the kvetching.

"Junior asked me to explain what ED is. What do I say?" To the men of America, I saw 'grow up.' I remember Tampax ads, douches, and bloating. I'm thinking ED is God's way of saying, "Men, you've just had it too easy. I didn't raise you to be a bunch of whiners."

I'm waiting to hear fathers all across America sit down with Junior and explain that ED is NOT the end of all manhood as we know it.

Anyway, that's my shock for today.

Kathleen's Current Events:

• Whole Foods Market opens in Columbus Circle. New Yorkers are shocked, shocked to see vegetables in their natural state.


• A focus group for people who access the Internet over dial-up. Sorry, it just cracks me up.


• Worst.Sex.Ever at P.S. 122. Be there, but go in disguise, just in case you actually uh, know somebody there.

KO

Anger Management

Wow. It's official. I'm now a blogger. Yeah, yeah, big whoop-di-doo. Just what I need to read. MORE stuff on the Internet (like those bigger p*nis ads aren't scintillating enough). Kathleen's Current events: snow in New York. AGAIN. Spent the day listening to the darling pitter-patter of little children (Ages 10, 9, 6, and 4. 9 and 4 are mine.) and the waiting for blood-curdling screams (at which time I go and hide in the bathroom.). Seriously, there's a two minute rule in our house. If screaming lasts for longer than two minutes, then there really is a serious crisis. If not, children should be able to learn conflict resolution without parent involvement. I'm sure I've read that somewhere. :)

Now onto the bigger topic of the day: anger management. When you need to fire off an angry-email and you know you can't because it's the absolute worst thing you do, so you sit and stew, and then boil, until eventually you write an imaginary email to the offending party, (make sure you fill out to: field with either a) boogus (oh, I think I just made up a word) address or b) yourself. Careers have been killed due to misfilled To fields). I'm venting here instead. Anger quotient: 4. I'll let you know if it works.

Lastly, because I'm not going to make this a rambling blog:

Kathleen's Current Events

• Is Janet REALLY in the Grammy's? Should I sell my Viacom shares now, or is this a shrewd marketing move on the part of CBS?
  
• The Time-Warner Building opened in Columbus Circle. Do we care, or should we continue to make JJ jokes? Yes, that's what I think, too.
  
• Kristi got fired off the Apprentice last night (I was a reality show virgin before The Donald came along with that sexy pout and that "tousle-me" hair). I'm waiting for Heidi to go. The Boardroom will be a kinder, gentler place, doncha think?
  
• Today's fun headline from the LA times: Bush Appoints Intelligence Commission. (I bet they were snickering when they wrote that at the Times).
  

I think I'm all blogged out.
Anger Quotient: 2.

KO