A little romantic advice
Okay, I’ve done part (63%) of my writing for today, have had my Red Bull, am feeling perkier. Enough depressing stuff, let’s talk V-D. Everyone seems to be giving advice on Valentine’s Day. Do that many people really need advice? Well, it must be so, since every newspaper/radio is doing it, so I’ll add my own “expert� opinion. First question, is this for a man or a woman? Men are easy to get presents for. They like sex. Give them sex and they will be happy. Ask them, what do you want? Beer or sex? They will say ‘sex.’ Ask them if they’d rather have a new truck or sex. They will say ‘sex.’ It’s been that way since the dawn of time, when eve said, “Do you want an apple or sex?� Adam said “sex.�
Finding the perfect present for women, on the other hand, is much more difficult. Chocolate is always good, unless the woman in question is either a) on a serious diet or b) allergic. Actually, chocolate is always good, even if the woman is question is on a serious diet or allergic – damn the consequences, full cacao ahead!
There are lots of other choice presents available, but that depends on how long have you been in a relationship with the givee. Are you out to make a lasting impression or just get laid?
For new relationships, choose something like dinner, flowers, candy, or a massage at someplace cool (not Club Eros, she won’t be amused). Be careful with lingerie, this is a potential mine-field, over which few men walk without being blown up.
And what if you’ve been married for some time and still want to rekindle the romance? If you want to do something that will make her remember you lovingly for many years to come, let her sleep late (this is a real winner when there’s a new baby in the house), do the dishes, or take the kids away and let her have some quality alone time. However, if you decide on these Herculean tasks, do not pepper the experience with interruptive questions: “Honey, what time do I need to pick up the kids? Honey, where’s the diapers? Honey, where is the dishwashing detergent?� If you do this, she will get frustrated, take the sponge/diapers/children away (which is probably what you subliminally are trying to achieve) and say “I’ll do it myself,� which thereby takes all the joy out of receiving such a well-intentioned gift. And you are no schmo, so don’t screw this one up. She will love you, she will remember it, and most of all, she will give you sex.
Happy Valentines Day!
Finding the perfect present for women, on the other hand, is much more difficult. Chocolate is always good, unless the woman in question is either a) on a serious diet or b) allergic. Actually, chocolate is always good, even if the woman is question is on a serious diet or allergic – damn the consequences, full cacao ahead!
There are lots of other choice presents available, but that depends on how long have you been in a relationship with the givee. Are you out to make a lasting impression or just get laid?
For new relationships, choose something like dinner, flowers, candy, or a massage at someplace cool (not Club Eros, she won’t be amused). Be careful with lingerie, this is a potential mine-field, over which few men walk without being blown up.
And what if you’ve been married for some time and still want to rekindle the romance? If you want to do something that will make her remember you lovingly for many years to come, let her sleep late (this is a real winner when there’s a new baby in the house), do the dishes, or take the kids away and let her have some quality alone time. However, if you decide on these Herculean tasks, do not pepper the experience with interruptive questions: “Honey, what time do I need to pick up the kids? Honey, where’s the diapers? Honey, where is the dishwashing detergent?� If you do this, she will get frustrated, take the sponge/diapers/children away (which is probably what you subliminally are trying to achieve) and say “I’ll do it myself,� which thereby takes all the joy out of receiving such a well-intentioned gift. And you are no schmo, so don’t screw this one up. She will love you, she will remember it, and most of all, she will give you sex.
Happy Valentines Day!
posted by Kathleen at 5:16 PM
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