Buying a Booktour to Heaven

I'm in the midst of book-promotion, and so everywhere I look people are weighing in on the pros and cons of the author doing things themselves in order to help sell the book (i.e. in the biz we call that, "self-promotion" -- author's are such an erudite lot). So, as I sit in my lonely dungeon, trying to pound out words for a book that's due next month, I can hear the lonely wail of an electric guitar. A keyboardist joins in slowly, the beat picks up, and I discover the absolute best way to procrastinate. I think I'll write a song!

With Apologies to Led Zeppelin

There's an author who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a booktour to heaven
And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get on The Today Show
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a booktour to heaven

There's a review in the Times but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes 'crap' has two meanings
In the office of the book, there's an editor who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a booktour to heaven

There's a feeling I get when I look to the past
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
But it's only the remaindered burning…
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a booktour to heaven

And it's whispered that soon, if we all self-promote
Then Kelly Ripa will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who write long
And the bank accounts will echo with laughter
And it makes me wonder

If there's a downturn in your numbers
Don't be alarmed now
It's just a spring clean for Penguin Putnam
Yes there are two paths you can go by
but in the long run
There's still time to change the house you're at
Your head is humming and it won't go because you don't know
The taxman's calling you to join him
Dear author can't you hear the wind blow and did you know
Your booktour lies on the whispering wind

And as we write on down the road
Our shadows taller than our souls
There walks a publisher we all know
Who shines coop dollars and wants to show
How sell-through still turns to gold

And if you listen very hard
The words will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be an author and not to write
Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a booktour to heaven

There's an author who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a booktour to heaven
And when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get on the Today Show
And she's buying a booktour to heaven, uh uh uh.