Blogging the Quills

I'm passing the time watching the Quill awards, the book awards decided by a popular vote. I decided to share my thoughts on this debut broadcast event. Please note, absolutely no fact-checking was involved in the following report.

The pre-show interviews are all television types, except for Candace Bushnell. Jon Stewart is the opening act, with Brian Williams as the host. Not many crowd shots, there's a few, and I'm thinking, who's that? I realize the reasoning for the absence of crowd shots. We don't know who these people are. Eventually, I satisfy myself playing, "Guess the genre." The young teacher type, definitely kid's lit. Boas in the back? Romance, or possibly auto-biography. The old, dead-looking gent. Probably historical biography.

The first presenter is Kim Cattrell, presenting the award for debut award. The winner is Elizabeth K. for the Historian. Elizabeth is there to accept, and I'm thinking, "Oh, honey, you need to tone those arms, or else wear long sleeves; obviously typing a 10,000 page book is NOT ENOUGH." She tells a joke. Not funny. Don't quit the day job, hon. Okay, that was a cheap shot. Sorry, two million dollar advances (not mine) turn me into a very mean and nasty person.

Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson present the award for humor: huge applause for America the Book, and a respectable bit for George Carlin, who in the end, loses to Jon Stewart, who, as we all know is the JK Rowling of funny. Jon Stewart does not accept the award, instead one of the other co-authors accepts. I can only assume this is some sort of protest move on Stewart's part, giving the ceremony its first bit of controversy. I'll research this and see what I can find out before the end of the show.

Maria Bartiromo (I think I spelled that right) is the presenter for business awards. They keep flashing to some Karl Rove/Jack Welch type, who I assume is either one of the nominees, or else Ms. Bartiromo's secret lover. Oh, no, not Jack Welch, no idea who he is. The winner goes to the guys who wrote Frankonomics, whoops, typo, Freakonomics, but I think I like Frankonomics. Possibly for a sequel. The original is a cool book. Loved it. Stephen Dubner is a total geek-head, but who is represented by Suzanne Gluck, who is like one of the hugest agents in the biz, so he may be a total geekhead, but he's not stupid.

Next up is Jules Feiffer (who?), a distinguished gentleman with a Santa Claus beard and spectacles, who presents the award for children's chapter book, middle grade, which pits all the biggies against the Godzilla, Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince. Rowling wins (I hope you really didn't bet against that one), but is not able to attend, more of that controversy, possible the rumors of a terrorist threat in NYC have scared the big authors away?

Rocco DiSpirito is there to present the award for yes, you guessed it, cookbooks. He's wearing pin-strips (he's really too pudgy for stripes).. The winner is Rachel Ray, 30 minute to something, it's a really long title, and I can't type that fast. Rachel Ray is not there, either. More of the terrorist threat? Perhaps there was a bomb threat earlier, a cab parked outside, cops evacuating the theater.

The next presenter is Robert Klein, who knows how to makes jokes about being an author, I respect that. You can tell the real authors, from those who have ghostwriters. They get the real pain and neurosis that comes from books. He's joking about promoting, Larry King talking about his joke. Very funny stuff, and oh, he's not a promoter. He's the warm up to the real promoter: Elmo. Whoa, who is presenting the award for children's illustrated book is Runny Babbit by Shel Silverstein, and yes, either Shel has become a woman, or else Shel is not there EITHER. What is the deal? What if they had a book awards program, but nobody came? More crowd shots. We have no idea who the woman is who is accepting this award. Possibly an agent, maybe their dry cleaner. We get a shot of Deepak Chopra, looking deeply into the camera, like he wants to seduce it. Very fascinating.

Matthew Modine is next presenter. Remember VisionQuest? And he's there presenting the book for religion and spirituality. Obviously I'm missing something from Matthew Modine, the Later Years. The winner is Peace is the Way, Deepak Chopra. He thanks Oprah first. Funny joke. I'm impressed. A slight political rant in his acceptance piece, but he does not accuse George Bush of not caring about religious people. Next up is an advertisement, no, whoops, that's a little human-interest piece on Deepak. According to Al Roker, this guy is on the road 80% of the time, writes every day, usually three books simultaneously. I am shamed.

Next up is a video presentation (cover shots, don't get too excited), about the awards that are not presented on camera. Debbie Macomber wins for romance. Obviously 54% of the fiction market is not respectable enough to rate a presenter. Sigh. Another Charlie Brown moment for romance.

Anthony Rapp is presenting the award for young-adult-slash-teen award (WHOA? Slash fiction for teens? We are getting advanced). I looked him up. He's a Broadway guy. The winner is Girls in Pants by Ann Brashears wins, and let's see, is this Ann? I think it is! And kudos to Ann for braving the bomb threat to show up in person. Nice speech to honor girls, she thanks, like, everybody in the world. A joke to her editors about being late. Editors do not look amused. There's a story there.

Erica Jong is the next presenter for general fiction. She's wearing a huge necklace, and lots of bling. The award goes to The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd. And yes, another brave soul, Sue is there to accept the award. She looks like such a housewife, possibly the lady down the street from me. She's wearing some major rocks around her necks as well. Obviously the Secret Life of Bees bought her some serious honey. Argh, argh, argh.

Last up is the award for Book of the Year. The presenter is Brian Williams. Momentary shots of the crowd, lots of anxiety, the winner is JK Rowling. Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince. JK is still not there, claiming the family excuse, but we get a video of her in her office. Brian Williams makes a joke about her furnishings, "the Office Depot chair," a pencil cup, just like the rest of us. Brian Williams tells us her to go out and splurge. Brian Williams is funny.

That's all for the awards. I have since discovered that Jon Stewart demanded special Kaballah water in the green room, imported directly from Kabal. The award committee explained that "This wasn't the Oscars." He told them to take the quill award and well, use your imagination. I bet there's more to this story. I'll keep you posted.